Living Off the Grid, Pt. 2: Amoraleza / Ayahuasca

It’s hard to say who’s getting a bigger education here now: me or the son?

I dare say it’s fairly equivalent, and this idea of Unschooling him has seeped into my own paradigms, and with my two weeks at Amoraleza, I’ve realized how much the systems of America, the systems of the mind, the systems of food, and the systems of normalcy are all a total load of shit!

I’m getting ready to crack the top off of what would be considered an acceptable way of life and excited to share just what happened as a result of our time at Amoraleza. This may be a long one, so hold tight!

Firstly, about 10 days into our time at Amoraleza, I took a moment to list all the things I had learned as a result of being there. Things like:

  • I am capable of channeling and I need to develop my clairvoyant skills more because I have them.
  • Being barefoot, being naked more often–most of the women walked around topless most days–I spared my son the ordeal of having to see his mama like this, but it did incite this amazing appreciation of the divine feminine and took away the idea of the objectification of women and created a healthy observation of women in our most natural state without sexualizing them.IMG_1063
  • Eating chia seeds and having ritual times around meals is so soothing for me; having the biggest meal of the day at lunchtime; having warmer foods at nighttime.
  • Wasting nothing, appreciating hot water generated by solar power, composting, worms, and lessons in permaculture.
  • Singing songs, doing yoga, meditating–these continue to be daily things that are vital and important for my well being and highly recommended for everybody.
  • Give yourself space to expand. Nothingness is good.
  • Take time to rest–daily siestas in the hammocks really helped me process the loads of information I took in.

I shared in my last blog post how surprised I was to discover that our first workaway was actually at a place where Ayahuasca ceremonies are performed, that I knew they did healing, food, addiction work, and meditation, but nowhere in the description did I register that they were doing some truly daring spiritual awakening work with plant medicines from South America.

The only connotation I had of Ayahuasca, was some Lisa Ling episode on TV, going into the jungle and filming people’s experiences. I remember it being a life-altering experience for those who did it and then of course, there was the puking. People puked when they took Ayahuasca.

Who would want to do that?

I was a wild child (which also, happens to be the title of one of the best song’s my child has made since we’ve been in Spain) and the last time I did any sort of hallucinogen was when I was 20 years old. I remember having an extremely ugly experience and vowing to not do anything like that until I was in more sound mind and body–at that time I figured I would be about 40 years old when I felt whole and right with myself. I am two weeks away from 39.

You know when you’re afraid of something and you just keep thinking about all the possibilities of what could happen if you do that something? This was me. As soon as I heard the word, “Ayahuasca.” I was really thinking about all of the possibilities of me doing that thing.

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From the moment we got there, all the volunteers kept talking about how amazing it was, how it helped them, how they got rid of addictions and other unhealthy habits; how they healed deep parts of their being, and just overall how incredible the experience was.

Everyone was also continually talking about, “The Ceremony.”

Of course there was going to be a ceremony while we were there, this was my synchronistic life after all. It was scheduled for the last Saturday before we left. Of course, I had to think about if I would take a part in this ceremony.

At first, it was an adamant no. I did not even consider it. My priority was to be in my right mind, a solid, grounded figure for my son. This wasn’t the moment to go tripping and trailing off into the great psychedelic unknown….

Or was it?

I started to consider it when I heard that it was like doing 20 sessions of therapy in one night. When I heard that it could release you from addictions and blockages–I became keenly interested. I asked a lot of questions.

You see, I’ve been dealing with addictions of different kinds for years and they are in my bloodline. More recently, I have dealt with this heaviness in my belly which felt like a huge emotional blockage. Needless to say, I know I had a lot of things that I wanted to work through and I trusted that this year abroad would help with a lot of it. But now, I was given this option to expedite the entire process.

Would I? Should I?

Some of my new friends/the volunteers assured me that considering doing Ayahuasca was a back and forth kind of decision-making process. Some went back and forth about the idea everyday up until it was time.

I managed to put myself in one of my weirdo panics about it. I was thinking about all of the different possibilities that could happen as a result of me doing this. I was also thinking about if my son should do this, if we should have the experience of doing this together?

I ask myself over and over again, what kind of mother am I? What kind of mom considers doing Ayahuasca with her teenage son?

I laugh at myself when I start getting carried away with these questions of insecurity, these questions of a programmed mind.

I did accept, especially at the beginning of this Unschooling journey, that I am not a typical mom. I am a radical mom, a free spirited mom, and an intuitive mom. I trust myself, I trust my son, and I trust in the wisdom and knowledge of the universe to guide us on our true path, however different from the ‘norm’ it may be. This is who we are here to be.

No matter how many considerations I made or doubts I voiced about partaking in the Ayahuasca ceremony, there was always a supportive answer for every fear. They assured me it would be a beautiful experience if I did it alone, if I did it with my son, either way, it would be “beautiful.”

My son also went back and forth about doing the ceremony. At first, he thought it was a clear signal that we landed there and that was going to be a definitive yes. Then the energy changed around the place as the family was dealing with a negating situation of of the Spanish authorities interrogating them about the unschooling their own children. Then his ‘roommate’ wasn’t going to do it and he wanted to support him so that he wouldn’t feel alone; then his roommate was going to do it, and so he finally made the choice that he actually wanted to do the “ceremony.”

I definitely started seeing more of the transparency of the teenage decision making process. Oh, how we were all so influenced by others during these ages. 

It felt apparent that he could partake in the ceremony, I felt good about him using it as a spiritual tool. I had conversations with the people about young children in the amazon doing it–that it was okay for children, heck they were even doing it while pregnant and giving birth. Just to be sure, we asked again if he could do it in this context.

The answer was no. They realized that my son was mature, but because of the other people who were foreigners taking part in the ceremony, they had to say no. If it was just he and I, it would be possible.

Saturday of the ceremony came. I did oracle reading after oracle reading for myself to get guidance about doing the ceremony or not and what my intention should be if I did it. I changed my mind several times. So indecisive, so Leo, yes, no, yes, no.

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Out of pure curiosity and a desire to gain some control in the situation, I eagerly offered to help set up the ceremonial space. You see this particular ceremony was of the Santo Daime tradition–which has this form of intersectional spirituality that just absolutely fascinated me, I had to know what this ritual space would be and feel like–so I helped create it. That felt good. It felt empowering.

We set up the ceremonial space in the community yurt, which is not huge and also not small. We had to lay fabric on the floor that was only white or blue and in a very specific order. There was a table in the center with the double cross, pictures, white candles, incense, pillows, and buckets.

It was a peaceful and inviting space. Even after I helped to create this space with my most clear intentions and beautiful prayers, I was still not sure.

Then someone asked me, “What are you so afraid of?”

That was when I melted. I was afraid I was not going to be in a good state of mind for my son; that I would become a mental case who needed to introvert for weeks afterwards; and that maybe I could even die and then what kind of mother would I be if I decided to take a plant medicine and died three weeks into our trip?

It was almost as if as soon as I said it out loud that all those fears became just that–fears and not truth. It was then that I was advised to stick to a very clear intention if I chose to go into the process.

I was still shaky in my mind about it, but I decided I was going to do it. One thing that has carried me throughout much of this year, is this mantra/idea of going towards the things that scare me the most.

 

I was obviously shaking in my boots about this, so I went through the land, taking in the sweet and peaceful smell of the Alpujarras, found the white clothes to borrow, put them on and became the Axé that I am and know. Grounded, earth mama, with clear intentions and on a sacred path.

File_000 (1) copyI did the Ayahuasca ceremony! It was one of the best decisions that I have made in a long time for myself. I needed it. I actually needed it, all of the healing! Everyone has a different experience, but it was beautiful.

 

I will share a brief overview of what happened:

  • My intention was for the Ayahuasca to show me the truth, beauty and perfection of my life; to exorcise the blockages in my body and to heal. Thank you Oracle of the Sacred Rebels for this!

 

  • Ayahuasca actually tastes kind of good-it was purplish, and reminded me of wine/mead/kombucha. You take several rounds of it. I think I did 3, while others may have done 4/5.

 

  • In the Santo Daime ceremony, they have to sing the whole time. There were three singers, including the instrumentation of a djembe and a guitar. I highly recommend doing this type of ceremony, because the music gives you focus, constant beauty and peace–it’s really quite majestic.

 

  • After the first couple of hours, I felt like nothing was happening, why did I do this if I was just going to sit here and listen to these songs–ha ha, that did not last for long.

 

  • I went through multiple episodes, seeing almost every element/issue of my life. The intention was really important, because it guided , carried, and protected every part of the vision.

santodiame

  • I had so many visions. These pictures are about as true as it gets. The spirit of the forest does enter you in the most gentle way, everything does feel like one, and everything moves in waves. It was a beautiful unfolding even when I was dealing with the more ugly things in my body and mind.

 

  • I cried a lot. Like a lot, a lot, a lot. Each issue got brought up while I would be sitting in a meditative posture, then I would see the issue and need to lie down, then I would cry and deal with it and as soon as I dealt with it, I heard a voice tell me to sit up and be strong. I repeated this wave I don’t know how many times–through all of my issues. Sitting, lying, crying, laughing, smiling, sitting, lying, crying, laughing and smiling.

 

  • I was waiting to puke the whole time. I NEVER PUKED!

 

  • Everyone stays in their own space, you do not touch or talk to each other. You honor each individuals personal experience.

 

  • I really did gain clarity about a lot of things. One thing my son wished for me was that maybe I would be able to understand him more when I came to the other side of this trip. I did and I do!!!

    I get him so much more and I was actually able to let go of the constricting attachment I have had towards him and alas see him for the completely capable and utterly unique individual that he is.

    Strangely enough, it was also confirmation that he has light beings from the distant beyond that are watching over him and I really don’t have to worry so much.

 

  • The Ayahuasca ceremony lasted for about 8 hours, it ended before sunrise. But my journey was not complete then. It took about a day to reintegrate into the world, I kept downloading information and I still am at some level.

 

  • My biggest epiphanies included: absolutely changing my diet (prioritizing whole foods and exploring veganism-OMG, right?!); healing wounds from past lovers and removing their toxicity from my being; seeing my son’s journey, and truly feeling like I did get years and years of therapy. I did excavate the ugliness of addiction, anxiety and fear out of my mind, body, and spirit. I also realized how much I crave community and actually don’t want to be alone–I want more of this… Singing, loving, Brasilian vibes (Brasil sure does seem to follow me wherever I go), community, nature and happiness!

 

  • Also, I did not die! Thank you!!!! I AM WAY MORE ALIVE!!!! I feel fucking good, super clear, and so less afraid!!!! I’m not a big weirdo and am in fact much more aware, receptive, accepting and confident.

It was affirmed once again, that this child of mine, is not like the others. He is not here to be a part of the system, he is not here to prove his learning. He is here to grow and show the rest of us what is possible, a new frontier, a new house of light beings. I have joked internally for the past little while that I birthed an alien child–the more I listen to him, I know that he was sent from a higher place and he does know more than many of us do.

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Who knew what a two-week work exchange at a sacred retreat center would do for the self and for the family? Thank you Amoraleza for this rapid learning and growth on all levels. We have projected further than we ever imagined and have new tools for the new awakened frontier.

Next stop–> A return to Granada, to study Spanish and take in more Flamenco and culture!

If you have any questions, please ask them in the comments section on this blog. Asking the questions always helps guide and I’d love to share more if you want to know more. Thank you for reading!

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15 thoughts on “Living Off the Grid, Pt. 2: Amoraleza / Ayahuasca

  1. Absolutely Magnificent Hermana! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful description of your feelings and emotions. I am SO Happy for you and Z-Man for having the courage and gall to embark on this life-changing experience ( and you’re only a month into it!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, can you believe all of this in only one month? I cannot even imagine what more is to come? Your affirmation of sharing my vulnerabilities gives me strength to keep sharing and keep going. It is not an easy journey, but I am remembering to live in the present and with a heart full of gratitude. Love you!

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  2. I admire you for taking this amazing journey! Would you recommend Ayahuasca? I feel like I could use something to reset and free my soul! Keep blogging!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lisa! How truly delightful to hear from you! I am surprising myself by saying, yes, I do recommend Ayahuasca. Again, it really matters what your intention is and I also think it matters where you are. I had the privilege of being in a community that I got to know and trust over a couple weeks, I got to do it with kindred spirits and I think that helped me feel safer. Everyone is different and it seems that there are a lot of places to do it these days, just make sure it feels right. I do highly recommend Amoraleza. Also, sometimes I find that when I’m stuck just making a significant change, switching up your everyday can also do wonders. Regardless, I wish you the strength and courage to reset whatever it is you desire and need. Be free!!!!

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  3. Yes, yes and yes. You inspired me today to take the next step in this healing, time to clean out the body and take it to the next level. Reading your words, I felt like I was there, I could see it… Love you tons, my kindred Leo dancer warrior sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Leo warrior sister! The messages are coming through and I cannot believe how utterly compelled I am to treat my body like the sacred vessel it is. Ayahuasca showed me what I was doing to my insides and sadly, it was quite disturbing. Breaking habits and addictions is still hard, it didn’t magically make it go away, but now I have more intrinsic motivation which I was searching for for a long time. Just think about how you want to feel, maybe that will help and know I’m with you on that cleaner next level. Love you!

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  4. Axé. Your words and journey continue to move me. I am in awe of your courage. You and your son are such beautiful lightworkers. Thank you for doing this important work, you do it for all of us.
    Lalania

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lalania! Takes one to know one, huh? It’s nice to accept that we are indeed lightworkers. It was easy to bury in the city I lived in my whole life. I had tastes of it before, but it appears to be emanating more and it means the world to me to be seen and affirmed by you. Thank you.

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  5. Axè, I am so proud of you-your bravery, transparency and willingness to share along this journey. Peeking into you and Za’s journey is inspiring and even helping me all the way across the see over here. May Oshun Ibu Kole-mother of truth & radical change continue to watch over you & keep you two!!! -Mauricio

    Liked by 1 person

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